What Marriage means to me.

For those who know me well and have been around me for the past 5 or so years of my marriage, you will have most certainly heard me say "I do not believe in marriage. I think it's outdated." I have been very bitter and jaded. I have said things that hurt Johnnie, or were mean to Johnnie, I have said things that weren't fair to Johnnie. In short, I have not been a very good wife. I have been selfish, self centered, unfair, and cold. I have blamed him for everything wrong in our marriage and in my life and never once did I take any credit for our problems. I let him hold all the responsibility. Because of this, I became a very distant wife, being mean and cold to him. I was in full denial that I had done anything to cause the distance between us. 

It took a life changing few months for me to wake up and realize that it was me. (Not that he held no blame at all), but it was me too. I had not been very giving either. I had not been very open or clear in my communications with him. I yelled at him a lot too. How awful! I complained constantly, but offered no solutions that would work for both of us, just the ones that would work for me. I kicked him out numerous times, and he left numerous times. Not very good for our girls, not very good for us. He came back because we loved each other, but we never found a way to fix anything. We just kept quiet and moved on until it came up again or a new issue arose. Then the awful cycle began again. 

When I realized this, I was flooded with many different emotions. Anger (at myself), Fear (of really losing him forever), Shame (for the way I had acted), Guilt (for putting him and the girls through such rough times), and of course Anxiety and Panic. I came back to him, praying all the while that I had not lost him forever, and that he could forgive me. His words to me cut through me like a hot knife. I cried like I had never cried in my life and really thought I would disappear into my anguish. Maybe I was even hoping I would just disappear. He came to me and took those words back and held me in his arms. Everything was not fixed, but I instantly felt better. 

I spent the next weeks trying to convince him of how much he meant to me and how sorry I was. I wanted him to know that I was not the same and that I knew what I was responsible for doing to him and to us. In doing this, I learned what it meant to be a wife. Not just a wife, but a real wife, a wife by God's terms. I now believe in marriage. I now believe in Mark 10:9 (King James Version) "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:8 (King James Version) "and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one." Those words mean so much to me now. They should have when I heard them at my wedding.

Now, I try really hard not to focus on the things that would normally irritate me, because I know that there's something irritating that I'm doing to him too, lol. I do not take him for granted and I appreciate each and every minute that I have with him. (Even when he's annoying me on purpose.) I have learned to hang on to the moments when he starts to pass me but turns and comes back for a quick kiss. And when I would have started an argument with him over something small and unimportant, I think of those times. 

I can only hope that the changes that have gone on inside of me show on the outside as well. I hope that he looks at me now and sees a loving, adoring wife and not a spoiled, selfish child. I married a great man. I am so thankful to God for holding him for me and for bringing us together when he did. I am also grateful to God for holding us together even when we had let go. 

I love you Johnnie.