Me and My Body

All of my adult life, and some of my teenage life, I have struggled with my weight. I am a big girl. I am 5'2" tall and I weigh 272.9lbs. I am F-A-T, fat! My boobs sag, not sure if that's from childbearing or from weight, or both. My arms wave before my hands do. My ankles are becoming cankles. My butt is huge and flat, my belly hangs, my chins are very noticeable, I haven't seen my belly button without laying down and pulling my belly up, in years!! I am the epitome of everything I can't stand.  I am lazy, I have no self control, I have no motivation, I blame other things on my being overweight, I eat whatever, whenever I want. I refuse to look in a full length mirror. I hate shopping for clothes. I have some serious self image issues. And I am not really sure why other than the first thing I mentioned; I'm lazy. I do care about being here for my kids and my husband. I do care about feeling good and looking great. I want to be able to play with my kids. I want to be able to shop outside of specialty stores. I want to be able to ride a roller-coaster again. I want to feel sexy again too. Of course I want all of those things. But I lack motivation and drive. I have done it many times before. My biggest success losing weight has come from pregnancy though and I am NOT willing to go that route again. My body has been put through enough! (I lost 60lbs with my first pregnancy. I was 280lbs the day I saw the little pink cross on that stick. I walked out of the hospital weighing 220lbs.) I am not happy with myself right now. Everything suffers. My self esteem. My marriage. My relationship with my kids. My friendships. Everything! And the way I think is scary...If someone is rude to me, it's because I'm fat. If someone does not like me, it's because I'm fat. If I am ever overlooked for any reason, anywhere, it's because I'm fat. The skinny girls are always cute, and people go out of their way to help them and are sooo nice to them, and it's because they're skinny. That's how my brain works. I know it's not right. People are rude to me because people are rude. People don't like me because I am hard to take. People overlook me because they are busy with other things and it happens. But in the moment, right then, it's because I am unattractive due to my weight. My husband ignores me and doesn't throw himself at me... because I'm fat. It has nothing to do with his stress level, or the fact that he has so much to do, he is always busy! Nope. It's because I am fat and I am ugly because I'm fat. (You would be so beautiful, if you'd lose weight. You have such a pretty face!) I have heard that a lot! As a teenager, I was not even really fat, I was just chubby...but I once dated a guy who actually told me that if I lost weight, he'd marry me! I later found out he also told my best friend the same thing!!! LOL. Really?! Geez. I have done the diets. All of them. I have made myself throw up everything I eat..and it works, until you eat again and your body stores the fat from that meal. I have done the diet pills, Phentermine being my evil little pill. It damaged my heart. I do know how to do it though. My brother is the fitness terminator. I know the right ways. I did lose 60lbs in 3 or 4 months by going vegetarian, working out like crazy, and drinking tons of water. It worked, it was the healthiest I have been since having my first child. Then I got pregnant again. I wanted meat! Lots of meat! And red meat at that. Salty, fried foods. Ice cream. Cheeseburgers!! OMG! I gained 32lbs. with my last pregnancy. She is now 10 months old, and I have gained around 40+/- lbs since having her. I feel horrible. I am depressed. I am fatigued. I eat whatever, whenever. I get sad and I hate myself...so I eat more. I get bored sitting at home all day, everyday, I eat more. My life gets stressful, I worry, I eat. See the pattern here? Me. Yep. Me. I am the pattern. I am self sabotaging. How awful! I have set the goal of losing 60lbs in 4-6 months. I want to be realistic and leave room for slips, cause I know me, there will be times when I fail myself. I don't want to get all freaked out and think badly of myself and the challenge I have set for myself. I want to be real about this. I am not perfect. If I were, I'd look like J.Lo already. I am going to have bad days. I am going to eat that ice cream while watching The Backup Plan. I am going to have that butter on my veggies. I am going to crave a fountain drink from QT. I won't do this all the time. I mean I am trying to change my appearance and my life. But I know it's going to happen sometimes, the cravings. So I am okay with that. I am determined. If I have nothing else, I have that. I am stubborn. I am persistent. I believe that you never truly fail unless you stop trying. So I am going forward with this. I am going to get into a brand new dress, hopefully at least 4 sizes smaller, by February of 2012. I mean, I do want to look good for the end of the world in December of 2012, ya know. :) HAHA!