Hello God, it's me, Are you there?

I have seriously been questioning my beliefs a lot lately. I have lived for so long with questions and excuses. I have never stopped believing in God, just lost faith about God. I have doubted him. I have doubted his word. In a world like we live in today, I think everyone has once or twice, at least wondered. I really am starting to think we are in the end days. Even if it means we are at the very start of it, even if this is the time that makes him decide it's time to end us, I believe a huge thing is coming...sooner than later. I don't know if that means it will happen while I am alive, or even my kids, but I do think it will be within the next few generations. We have become bad. As a whole. Humans are degenerates. We are disgusting, nasty, disrespectful, self centered, ungrateful, mean, selfish, evil people. We no longer care who we hurt. We no longer know the true meaning of love. We no longer look out for one another. We no longer appreciate life. We take everything for granted. How could he allow it to go on and on? I am not educated in the verses of the Bible. I can not quote scripture. But I do seem to remember a city in the Bible that was full of sin and just nastiness. Didn't God smite that entire city? I believe I have that right. Now it's the entire world.

Anyway, like I said. I have been questioning everything I stand for. Everything I believe to be right and true. I wonder if it is not the Bible I disagree with, but man's interpretation of the Bible. I believe in God. I believe Jesus died to save me. I believe in Heaven and unfortunately Hell. I have been tormented and watched my children be tormented by a demon. How could I not believe in Hell? I have been saved more times than I can count, by something unseen, I believe it to be God.

I believe that I need to get back to church. I believe I need my kids to be in church. I think when work picks up for Johnnie, and we can afford the gas, I will start visiting churches for real.

The only thing I worry about, is where will we fit? I have this image of a "real" christian. I do not fit it. I am not soft spoken, I am not passive-aggressive. I like scary movies, heavy metal music. I laugh at dirty jokes. I am outspoken and opinionated. I am the one to have confrontation if it is called for. I am not what a typical "christian" looks and acts like. So, I don't know if I will fit into a church setting. But it's worth a shot I suppose. God knows my heart, that's all that matters, right?

Kids birthdays, Selling my car and STUPID, MEAN people!!!

My daughters birthday's are coming up. I have three gorgeous little girls. Clara, will be 7...Marian "Mary", will be 6...and Kathryn "Katie, Kat, Boobie, KatieBoo, Kitty Kat", will be 1!!! Someone once told me Christmas is for everyone, (christians at least), other holidays celebrate other people and other things, the only day that is truly all about you, is your birthday, so make it special. That stuck with me. But I have a hard time with this, especially this year, because around this time of year, my husband's work slows down. My daughters birthdays are August, September and October. *shudders* Then there's Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. Fall and Winter are NOT good for us, at least not financially. I know a lot of people would say that I should help out by getting a job. I completely agree. And if it were actually possible for me to do so, I certainly would. The problem is I have no one that my husband and I trust that is willing to babysit our youngest. I can't afford daycare and any job I got would only cover a portion of daycare cost, so basically, I would be working to help pay for her to be in daycare so I could work, for what? Yeah. No.
Not to mention, I would have to find a job that would work with me and give me something between the hours of 7am-2:30pm. I have to put my girls on the bus and get them off. No one else to do it. It is a dilemma.
Others may suggest that we save back a little all year long. That's very wise and an incredible idea. I wish we could do it. It seems something always comes up to take any money we could potentially save. Car breaks down, needs tires, rent, huge electric bill, hours at Johnnie's job get less and less, girls get sick and need medicines, diapers, pullups, clothing (they grow like crazy!), shoes (omg! do they go through shoes!), the school dollars us to death (as if we don't already pay enough in taxes to the schools, makes you wonder where it all goes if I am buying kleenex, paper plates, copy paper, printer ink-I can't even buy ink for my own printer!, class snacks, etc...for the classrooms). Oh I am sure there's more that I am just not able to think of right now. Geez!
So, back to their birthdays. Clara is the oldest and she is first, August 24. She wants a Monster High Themed party, Monster High toys, dinner at Chuck E. Cheese, and her nails done. So the Monster High theme suppiles are $35 before tax. The toys are upwards of $15 each. The dinner at Chuck E. Cheese is $35. The nails being done are like $15-$25. That's $110.00 for a 7 year olds birthday party. That doesn't include food for guests, balloons, cake and ice cream, drinks, and now people have started this crazy evil goody bag thing. OMG!!!! I have maybe $80 to do her birthday with. This is where the anxiety starts. Last year, her birthday was incredibly awful. We invited 88 ppl, friends and family, and only my brother showed up. Try explaining to your newly 6 year old why no one thinks she's important enough to pencil her in a month ahead of time and come to her birthday. It was devastating.
Marian, second born and second in line for a birthday, September 14. She wants Justin Bieber everything. The cost for her birthday is about the same as Clara's. Undo-able, again. Johnnie is losing hours drastically. What used to be 5-6 days a week, is now 3-4. His check has been cut in half. But our bills haven't.
Kathryn is the baby and she is last in line for a birthday, October 08. Hers is super important! It's her very 1st!!!!! I spent $180 dollars on Clara's first. $150 on Marian's. Katie is going to get jipped something serious! I already feel bad that I got all of Clara's milestone pictures, one of Mary's and none of Katie's!! But their birthdays?! This is insane!

So, what do I have to sell? The baby stuff Kat is not using anymore. Realistically, it probably will not sell in time, and if it did, it could pay for a small portion of one birthday party. I have my car. It has not been run lately because we can't afford to run two cars. It's ugly. It needs some love, some TLC, preferably by someone with money, but it does run. I put it up on FB and Craigslist. $700. I look around, there are cars with no freaking motor at all going to way more than what I am asking. I hope to have it sold by this Friday, so I can do something for Clara's birthday. So far, 8 responses in 4 days! Some respond just to tell me I am an idiot. Some respond with questions that I have clearly given the answers to in my ad, and then huff and puff at me as if I have said something wrong. Some tell me my car is a problem and is not worth it. Some tell me they are coming out to see it and then I don't hear back from them. It's frustrating to say the least. I wonder if they knew why I am selling it, if it would make a difference? Probably not.

I post all the baby stuff for sale.

I cry.

I scream.

I feel bad for my babies.

I come on here to vent.

I don't think I am asking too much for my car. I am asking $700 because I have a $300 credit card that I can pay off and use for the birthdays. At least two of them. I have some bills I need to pay. And the rest can go with what I already have to pay for Clara's birthday. Solid plan, I must say. Or at least I thought.

I am thinking of taking Clara up to WalMart, sticking a sign on her shirt that reads: "It's my birthday and thanks to the government and the situation they have thrust our country into, my Daddy's job is slowing hours, and it's my birthday. Please donate one gift, card, giftcard, clothing item, pair of shoes, or a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Wonder what would happen? LOL! I don't think it would work.

I am so disappointed and ashamed that I can't throw a good party for my girls. I can't imagine what Christmas will bring. How sad.

Calgon Take Me Away!!!

Today started off ok, I woke up and came out in the living-room with Kathryn. Clara was already up and watching cartoons. I put Kathryn down to play while I was on FB. Then Kylie (my friend and her daughter stayed over), woke up and came out to play. Then Mary, then Kelly. I started my soup that I planned on having for dinner, and started cleaning. My girls drive me insane. They fight constantly, they talk constantly, they ask for stuff constantly, they tell me to do stuff for them constantly, they never listen, they never do what they are asked or even told, they never think for themselves. It's exhausting. I am actually exhausted from just typing it. *sigh* It's never ending. Don't get me wrong, I love them madly. I couldn't imagine life without them. But man, I could so picture a Friday night-in without them. Or a grocery shopping trip. Or a date with my husband, kid free! As things stand, get actual time away from them very, very rarely. And time out with my husband alone is even more rare. As I have sat here typing this, my kids have been in bed for almost two hours, well, that's when I put them to bed. I have been writing this for almost an hour. Yep, this little paragraph has taken me almost an hour to type out. My kids REFUSE to stay in bed once put there. They get up to tattle tell, to ask for food or drinks, to tell me their movie has gone off, just to see what I'm doing, etc...it is HIGHLY annoying, frustrating, and sometimes it makes me scream, yell, beg, and finally cry. I can not get time to myself. I can't finish a thought of my own. I can't read a chapter in a book. I can't write a blog straight through! It is makes for a very upset Mommy to say the least. And yes, I have had people tell me I need to stop complaining, I chose this life. And they are right, I did. And I wouldn't trade it for anything...well maybe for a full day of doing nothing but whatever I wanted to do. I have heard over and over again, "They are just children!" My girls are 6, 7, and 10 months. My 6 and 7 year olds know better than most of the crap they do that causes me stress. Today for example, after waking my husband up at 2:30pm, feeding the girls a snack, finishing dinner, doing the dishes, taking care of the baby, and feeding the dog...my girls proceed to tell me they are bored. My youngest says she's moving out. She's going to live with Grandma and Pawpaw. She packs her stuff and heads for the door. The her older sister takes herself to her room to get dressed, pack and get ready to leave with her baby sister. I tell them goodbye, kiss and hug them and tell them they are not allowed to take anything I bought out of this house, even if I have been allowing them to borrow if all these years, it is still MY stuff-I bought it. So they head out with their blankies that were given to them when they were born, and a few other things. I fully expected them to get to the end of the driveway and stop. Nope. They head into the street. I tell them to look both ways and keep an eye and ear out for cars. They turn left off of our road onto the next road that runs beside our house. I get John and Katie and we get in the car to follow the girls. I expected again that they would walk in front of our car until they got too tired to walk anymore and they would ask to get in with us and go home. They take off running, dropping their things in the middle of the road. I tell them to stop running and they do. I put the car in park, get out and help them with their things. I get their stuff in the car and tell them to proceed. I wanted them to realize how far Grandma's house was. Since they had decided to go in the road, risk their lives and serious trouble, I thought they should see just what it would feel like to walk for a distance. I thought as long as we were behind them, they would be ok. They take off running again. I scream for them to stop, they run faster. John screams at them, they keep running. I put the car in park and another car pulls up behind us. John runs after the girls and is not happy when they continue to run from him. He finally gets them to stop, we get them in the car, he's now mad at me. I drive them to Grandma and Pawpaw's so they can hear it from them that they are NOT going to allow them to live there. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought they would go in the road, run away from us and not listen when told to stop. I think we all learned a lesson in this. I learned that you don't ever give your small kids room to "runaway" and they learned that Mommy will follow them and that their grandparents aren't going to take them in. It has been an exhausting day. And they are still going. And now the baby is crying. So I am done for now...I can't even finish my blog. See what I mean?

Me and My Body

All of my adult life, and some of my teenage life, I have struggled with my weight. I am a big girl. I am 5'2" tall and I weigh 272.9lbs. I am F-A-T, fat! My boobs sag, not sure if that's from childbearing or from weight, or both. My arms wave before my hands do. My ankles are becoming cankles. My butt is huge and flat, my belly hangs, my chins are very noticeable, I haven't seen my belly button without laying down and pulling my belly up, in years!! I am the epitome of everything I can't stand.  I am lazy, I have no self control, I have no motivation, I blame other things on my being overweight, I eat whatever, whenever I want. I refuse to look in a full length mirror. I hate shopping for clothes. I have some serious self image issues. And I am not really sure why other than the first thing I mentioned; I'm lazy. I do care about being here for my kids and my husband. I do care about feeling good and looking great. I want to be able to play with my kids. I want to be able to shop outside of specialty stores. I want to be able to ride a roller-coaster again. I want to feel sexy again too. Of course I want all of those things. But I lack motivation and drive. I have done it many times before. My biggest success losing weight has come from pregnancy though and I am NOT willing to go that route again. My body has been put through enough! (I lost 60lbs with my first pregnancy. I was 280lbs the day I saw the little pink cross on that stick. I walked out of the hospital weighing 220lbs.) I am not happy with myself right now. Everything suffers. My self esteem. My marriage. My relationship with my kids. My friendships. Everything! And the way I think is scary...If someone is rude to me, it's because I'm fat. If someone does not like me, it's because I'm fat. If I am ever overlooked for any reason, anywhere, it's because I'm fat. The skinny girls are always cute, and people go out of their way to help them and are sooo nice to them, and it's because they're skinny. That's how my brain works. I know it's not right. People are rude to me because people are rude. People don't like me because I am hard to take. People overlook me because they are busy with other things and it happens. But in the moment, right then, it's because I am unattractive due to my weight. My husband ignores me and doesn't throw himself at me... because I'm fat. It has nothing to do with his stress level, or the fact that he has so much to do, he is always busy! Nope. It's because I am fat and I am ugly because I'm fat. (You would be so beautiful, if you'd lose weight. You have such a pretty face!) I have heard that a lot! As a teenager, I was not even really fat, I was just chubby...but I once dated a guy who actually told me that if I lost weight, he'd marry me! I later found out he also told my best friend the same thing!!! LOL. Really?! Geez. I have done the diets. All of them. I have made myself throw up everything I eat..and it works, until you eat again and your body stores the fat from that meal. I have done the diet pills, Phentermine being my evil little pill. It damaged my heart. I do know how to do it though. My brother is the fitness terminator. I know the right ways. I did lose 60lbs in 3 or 4 months by going vegetarian, working out like crazy, and drinking tons of water. It worked, it was the healthiest I have been since having my first child. Then I got pregnant again. I wanted meat! Lots of meat! And red meat at that. Salty, fried foods. Ice cream. Cheeseburgers!! OMG! I gained 32lbs. with my last pregnancy. She is now 10 months old, and I have gained around 40+/- lbs since having her. I feel horrible. I am depressed. I am fatigued. I eat whatever, whenever. I get sad and I hate myself...so I eat more. I get bored sitting at home all day, everyday, I eat more. My life gets stressful, I worry, I eat. See the pattern here? Me. Yep. Me. I am the pattern. I am self sabotaging. How awful! I have set the goal of losing 60lbs in 4-6 months. I want to be realistic and leave room for slips, cause I know me, there will be times when I fail myself. I don't want to get all freaked out and think badly of myself and the challenge I have set for myself. I want to be real about this. I am not perfect. If I were, I'd look like J.Lo already. I am going to have bad days. I am going to eat that ice cream while watching The Backup Plan. I am going to have that butter on my veggies. I am going to crave a fountain drink from QT. I won't do this all the time. I mean I am trying to change my appearance and my life. But I know it's going to happen sometimes, the cravings. So I am okay with that. I am determined. If I have nothing else, I have that. I am stubborn. I am persistent. I believe that you never truly fail unless you stop trying. So I am going forward with this. I am going to get into a brand new dress, hopefully at least 4 sizes smaller, by February of 2012. I mean, I do want to look good for the end of the world in December of 2012, ya know. :) HAHA!

A New Life Means New Stress...

For as long as I can remember, which isn't too far back, I have wanted a place of my own, with my family, to live as we see fit...no one telling us to do something or not to do something, no one telling me I am doing it all wrong because it's not how they would do it...No one looking down at me because I was a loser who did not have their own home...no one telling me I was not an actual adult because I still lived with my parents at 30. Well, the dream came true the day that we saw the sign that said, "For Rent. No deposit." I called and heard they only wanted $650/month and we said "We'll take it!!" We had already seen the house previously when a different set of people owned it. We almost took it then, but at $900/month. Then what scared me away was not only the high price, but the window in the livingroom that was being held up by duct tape. Yeah, No. But now, I was just desperate enough to say screw it! Even though now there were two windows out, I didn't care. They promised to fix it, so heck yeah! We had barely moved our bed in when I noticed the severe roach infestation, throughout the entire house. Oh and ants too. And silverfish in the bathtub. *Sigh* Roaches. I hate roaches. I am terrified of them. The diseases they carry, the way they crawl, the way they get on and in everything! I am even scared of them getting in our ears, eyes and noses as we sleep. It's incredibly disgusting and scary.
So, what do I do? I of course call my landlord. She says "Oh! We never heard anything about roaches, just ants." We will send out an exterminator as soon as we can. But after w week of not hearing from them about the window and after talking to the previous tenants about the "exterminator", I decided to hire my own. We have had two treatments so far and have found out that it was even worse than we had initially thought. The infestation is really, really bad. I will have to have him back three more times just to see a visible dent in the bugs. Then we will have a treatment every quarter.
I have never dealt with a bug problem before. Waterbugs every now and then, yes. Ants, yes, some. Spiders, *shudders*, yep, but not anymore than everyone else. Roaches? No! Hell no! Never! This is not only skin crawling worthy, but it is embarrassing too.

The house has a lot of issues. The bugs being number one! But also there are little holes everywhere. The back sliding glass door falls off track sometimes. The weather striping on the front door needs to be replaced. The hall light is connected to the outside floor light, so if it's on, so is the outside light, and when you need just the outside light on, you have to have the inside light on too. They did come and "fix" the windows at least. The bathtub in the main bathroom needs the sink unplugged, the tub is old and flimsy, the shower head is rusted, the silverfish (slugs), have been treated but are going to take some time to get rid of, the knob on the tub was rusted really bad and the tip of it fell off causing it to drip even when it's off, all of the doors need replacing inside. (Someone had a bad problem with punching holes in them). Our bathroom is awful! It has a huge hole in the wall that is covered up with a big piece of board, when you use the potty, it sounds like it's about to fall through the floor and the pipes are going to pop out of the floor and walls. The cupboards and counters and drawers in the kitchen are ALL rotted through. There's a huge hole in the floor of the cabinet under the sink...they covered it with a few boards and ROCKS! Problem solved, right? OMG! The ceiling fans don't all have the light strings attached, so you have to have the light on even if you only need the fan on. The one in our room doesn't work, except for the light in it. Outside, the weeds have grow for years and years. The pokey plants have to go. There's broken glass all over the side yard. There's an infestation of bees and hornets/wasps. There are a few drainage pockets, that's the only way I can explain them, and they are full of debris. The back porch deck is amazing, but rotting, and we can't go on it really because of the hornets. I think that's it. As if that wasn't enough. Geez....

I love being out on my own. I really do, but I wish we had the money to fix the problems. I am so scared of telling the landlord about everything and have her think I am not worth it, and kick us out.

We also got a new puppy. He's a mix between a husky and a golden retriever. He's gorgeous, but he's a pain in the ass! House training is painful. I wake up to spots of shit and piss, I clean them all through the day, (even with walkings in between), and I go to bed cleaning them. It is extremely bothersome. I can't wait until he is out of this. I already have one baby to clean up after.

We thought the girls would love having their own rooms. That's all they ever talked about before. Nope. They are so used to being in the room together, that they are frightened at night without each other in the room. I am still telling them at LEAST 15 times a night to get back to bed. It's highly annoying. At 5 and 6, almost 6 and 7 years old, they know better.

I want so badly to have a night without worrying about roaches, kids fighting, getting out of bed, or crying, to just sit and watch tv with my honey, a tall glass of wine and a cheese pizza from Little Ceasars! AHHHHHH, that would be the life! I seriously need to de-stress!!